I am now a bitch.
Seriously.
I have been on this Tamoxifen medication for 5 weeks now, and will be on it for ten years in total, and it has turned me into a full time bitch. Before, it was just the fatigue, but now, the fatigue is thankfully wearing off and I now have more energy hours in my day to give over to my new found bitchiness.
I've been trying to not give in to the Dark Side of these meds since I started on it, and for the first few weeks it was kind of ok. But much like Luke Skywalker, I had no control and small parts of it slipped and now I feel like my hand is forever gloved in black, so I am trying so so hard ever so hard to not let any more of myself turn into Vader.
Before I go any further into this discussion though, I feel it is important to say that I hate the word bitch. That I feel it is gender specifically derogatory to women - that only women (and female dogs) can be called a "bitch" but never men, and that more often than not it is used to demean women when they are being assertive or giving directives, or simply airing a needed grievance. It is an awful word and I would be more offended by someone calling me a bitch, than someone calling me a c***t.
But in this case, I am looking at myself in certain situations, and gosh darn it, if I can't call myself a bitch then I don't know how else to describe myself. Unnecessarily aggressive? Nope. That's not it. Angry? Snarky? Irritated? Snappy? Ummm... it's more than that. Aggressive people don't make other people feel bad about themselves at the same time. Aggression might make people defensive, but not feel bad about themselves.
Sigh. Look. How about we just look at some case study examples taken from my every day life recently shall we? And then compare it to how I might normally react. (I am aware that to some of you, the following bitchy reactions won't seem that bad, but for me, they are).
Case study #1:
I walked into a pet supplies shop the other day, and the lovely perky 20 year old shop assistant just happened to replace the pronoun "you" with the pronoun "we" in the nicest way when asking if I needed any help. I sprayed shotgun pellets out of my mouth at him, using the "royal we".
Actual Bitchy Case Study Reaction #1: Perky 20 year old assistant: Hello there! Are we looking for anything in particular today? Bitchy Lana: WE have already found what WE were looking for. Perhaps ONE might go elsewhere to help ONE who might need it. Poor shocked assistant walks off completely hurt and confused. Lana then hauls massive 20kg bag of dog food to the car by herself. | An otherwise Normal Lana Reaction to Case Study #1 Perky 20 year old assistant: Hello there! Are we looking for anything in particular today? Normal Lana: Bahahahahaha!! Umm thanks, no I'm fine. But you should probably not refer to customers as "we", I know you mean well, but it's patronising. But you can help carry this heavy bag to the car for me if you like - I mean, I can carry it, but my back's a bit shit. You know what? We can do it together. Now that's a good use of the pronoun "we". I then joke joke joke laugh laugh, and help and treats for the dog get thrown in. |
Case Study #2:
I went to buy a gift for my good friend's 40th birthday, so I walked into my favourite Yarraville store, The Village Idiom, expecting to find my friend Lex behind the counter, but someone else was there instead. Cool. Cos Lex might have disowned me if I had spoken to him in the way I spoke to his poor shop assistant. Now, I just wanted to potter about and find something nice once I'd looked at things with her in mind, but the helpful gentleman asked what I was looking for and remembering how bad I felt about how I fobbed off the pet shop guy, I tried to be patient and told him it was a 40th gift. He then made a couple of suggestions that were really not suitable at all.
Actual Bitchy Lana Reaction Case Study 2 Man: Hello there! What are you looking for? Bitchy Lana: Oh... I was just looking to see if I can find a present for my friend's 40th. She's a designer, so I want it to be unique and beautiful. Man: How about this large candle of a parrot? Bitchy Lana: Umm... yeah I don't think so. Man: ok... how about these tiny tiny porcelain cows? She might like those? If you don't like cows, they also come in horses. Or goats. Bitchy Lana: OK. You know what? My friend's a designer and I think I know what kind of things she would go for, so maybe we should leave the gift selections to me? Man: Is that your way of saying stop making suggestions? Bitchy Lana: YES! YES IT IS! YOU'RE NOT GOOD AT IT!! YOU'RE TERRIBLE AT IT! NOW I WOULD LIKE TO BUY THIS GORGEOUS BROOCH OF A CAT SITTING ON A MOON! Man: That's for Halloween. Bitchy Lana: I DON'T CARE! WRAP IT! Tyson then farts. 'Cos he is allowed into this particular shop. Bitchy Lana feels bad for slightly losing patience and remembers her promise from Case study #1. She decides to apologise: Look, I'm really sorry. My dog farted. (Damn) | The normal Lana reaction to Case study 2 Man: Hello there, what are you looking for? Lana: A present for my friend's 40th. She's a designer, but I'm actually just really happy to potter and see if I can see anything. Man: You sure I can't help you with anything? We have these candles shaped like a parrot? Or these porcelain cows? Or they also come in horses. Or goats. Lana (probably genuinely amused by this): Ahahahahaha!! No.. no thank you I'm fine - they're all good suggestions, but my friend is quite particular, so maybe I'll keep looking. I'll give you a shout out if I need anything. Hey this brooch is gorgeous, maybe I'll grab that. Man: You know that was for Halloween? Lana: Really? Ha! Well it looks like it could be for any time. It's really beautiful. I think I'll get it anyway. Can I get it gift wrapped? Thanks. Tyson farts. Cos that was gonna happen anyway whether I was bitchy or not. Lana decides to apologise: Look, I'm really sorry. My dog farted. |
I went into a kids shop cos I had to buy a gift for a newborn baby. I love my friend, and thus, I will love her new baby just as much, so I wanted to set things up in her world where I could help the new baby be what ever she wanted to be, and not have to conform to gender stereotypes. Thus, I ended up buying a monkey with red stripes.
The shop assistant did absolutely nothing wrong, but I'm pretty sure she thinks I hate babies, not because of what I said, but how I said it. I was kind of in a hurry, but also getting frustrated at the very "pinkness" of the gender stereotyping, even at that age. Aaaaanyway, Case study #3 goes thus:
Actual Bitchy reaction to Case Study #3 Shop owner (chatting to another customer). Bitchy Lana: EXCUSE ME!! I need some help. I need a gift for a baby. I know NOTHING ABOUT BABIES. Shop owner (apologises to other customer): Yes sure. How can I help? Bitchy Lana: Well the baby is a newborn and I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT BABIES. I mean, I know you buy them clothes but she will already have lots of clothes from family for now, so I want to buy her something she can grow into for later. Really. I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT BABIES. Also, I hate pink for girls. Haven't you got anything more gender neutral? Why is there so much pink???? Shop owner: Well I like pink, and I do the buying. Bitchy Lana: Pink's shit. Shop owner: Ok then... look maybe buying clothes isn't the best idea, mainly because by the time she grows big enough to grow into something, it will be the wrong season - we only have summer clothes here, but you will want winter clothes for her to "grow into". Bitchy Lana (penny drops): I really know NOTHING about babies. Shop owner: So I suggest one of these soft toys with a squeaker in it and an animal head. That way they can hold onto it and squeak it. They love these things. Bitchy Lana (looks at the toy, decides they are butt ugly): Oh. They're boring. Shop owner gives up and goes back to the other customer. Bitchy Lana walks around the shop finally finds an overpriced monkey soft toy. There are two. One with pink stripes, one with red stripes. She selects the red one. Bitchy Lana: I want her to be inspired by monkeys. So I'll buy her this one with the RED stripes, not the pink ones. Shop owner (barely able to stop her eyes from rolling): I'm sure she'll love it. Bitchy Lana: Can you please wrap it? It's a gift. Shop owner deliberately does the worst effort at gift wrapping I have ever seen in my entire life and hands me the monkey. No one is happy. | Normal reaction to Case Study #3 Shop owner (chatting to another customer). Lana: Hi... sorry to interrupt, I'm just in a bit of a hurry. I think I need some help or advice, cos I don't really know what I'm buying. Shop Owner: Sure. How can I help? Lana: I need a gift for a newborn and I wanted to get clothes she can grow into, but I don't really like the idea of buying her pink clothes cos I prefer something more gender neutral. Shop Owner: Well you can't really buy clothes to grow into now anyway, as we only have summer stock, so by the time she is big enough to wear it, it will be the wrong season. Lana: Oh! Of course!! That makes complete sense. Shop Owner: They do love THESE though, cos they like to hold them and squeeze them. Lana (decides they are butt ugly, but decides to buy it anyway, cos you know, the owner very very clearly understands babies, whereas Lana does not in any way understand babies, so non-bitchy Lana actually listens to the advice): Oh ok cool. I'll get one of them. Any chance you could wrap it for me? Shop owner: Not a problem. Shop owner does the best gift wrapping job Lana has ever seen. Everyone is happy. |
So I am blaming the Tamoxifen meds. Because these reactions are really completely uncontrolled, unnecessary and unwarranted. And it doesn't serve anyone. And you can say "That's fine, embrace your inner bitch, those case studies weren't even that bad!" But I say, "No, it's not fine. Save your inner bitch to use only on those who truly deserve your bite."
I believe in being a good person. I believe that kindness and generosity of spirit help the world move forward. I believe you shouldn't take good people into that dark place with you. It's entirely unnecessary. And also, you end up with badly wrapped presents and a bad back cos no one will help you carry stupidly heavy things to the car.
I want to leave people feeling like they are happy. If I leave them and they feel happy, then I feel happy. Isn't that the whole goal of being in comedy? Isn't that one of the biggest reasons for wanting to make people laugh? If people laugh and are happy, then I feel good and that I've done my job. Being awful to people is the exact opposite of that.
So I think, after all of this, I've figured out what I need to do:
I need to be a bitch to my bitch, and tell her to fuck right off.